Avoiding parenting dischord - an advantage of flying solo

To spank or not to spank, that is the question... I spent a few days with friends of mine, a happily married couple with a 2.5 year old boy and another boy on the way. The wife, Karen, is a very close friend. I was familiar with the child's tantrums before I agreed to the holiday, but I figured with both parents on hand to manage the situation and being in a very relaxed environment we might be able to diminish the volume or frequency of eruptions I'd previously observed. Instead what I observed was the devil incarnate metamorphosize within the cherub cheeked Goldilocks with such regularity that I lost count on day one. His behaviour resulted in the child intentionally and in anger hitting his mother in the face twice drawing blood once, kicking his mother in the face and biting her arm - all in a state of rage. This doesn't include him pinching me and his father and throwing a book and other items on the plane.

I could elaborate on the details behind these eruptions and many other fierce tantrums that occur ed approximately every half hour, but the point is not to delve into the psyche of some one else's child or judge first time parents who love their child deeply and are doing their best to raise a loving, productive human being. The point is this - their are lots of different opinions on the best way to influence a child's behaviour, but one of the challenges that couples face when raising a child is the challenge of alignment and consistency. If the couple both work, then adding to this challenge is the complexity of agreeing and implementing and agreed approach with the nanny or other caregivers. As a solo parent, it can be daunting to know that if something is going wrong with the development of the child you are the first and often the last one to blame. You are accountable for all parenting decisions. This is a scary thought.

However, unless you are relying heavily upon a nanny or other caregiver to adhere to your preferred parenting style, you can avoid the problem of confusing the child about what's appropriate and what's not and what kind of punishment is warranted for the offence committed. You can also avoid the fights and frustrations between you and your partner. The efficacy of your parenting methods in a situation where you are dependent on other caregivers or a nanny means that you must choose environments - day care, play groups and schools and caregivers that share your views. You can screen these people, but as much as you might try it is difficult to vet your potential spouse on parenting when neither of you has children. With the divorce rate reaching over 63%, you may have the opportunity to select a mate who has kids and who's done a good job by your standards raising his children.

There are of course, advantages and disadvantages in both situations. I know that I found the few days thoroughly confusing as to what the couple found punishable by what means. If I found it confusing, then I'm certain that the child was confused about what boundaries may or may not really exist and what repercussions might result of particular behaviours. I walked away highly empathetic towards the mother, father and child and grateful for the different challenges I'll face.

I then watched a BBC programme ostensibly about parents who were being beaten by their children. They focused on three cases where all kids were in their teens and all were in single parent homes living with their mothers. This programme did not sufficiently delve into the cause of behaviour within the home, but it could debunk the theory that confusing the child is a significant contributor to bad behaviour. However, because the programme did not really explore the cause of the behaviour problems, I was left with the feeling that although these women were trying their best, the problems were actually with the mothers self-esteem and ability to act as authoritarians. In their case it was not inconsistency between parents which resulted in their children's violent behaviour, but the audience was left guessing as to why the children behaved so badly and what parents should have done differently to curb the behaviour. Although these women didn't have to deal with the challenge of alignment and consistency with a partner, they had different challenges that they and their kids found difficult to deal with.

I called my mom, who is intending to nanny for me and my child when I go back to work and found that we agreed on how to handle many of these situations. Of course, implementing parenting techniques with consistency isn't always easy even when you do agree, but I was relieved to find that we at least agreed how we would attempt to deal with certain situations. Now, I'm of course praying that my child has a more chilled disposition. Fingers crossed!